imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize