My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
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