there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
