dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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