i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
10+ Incredible Tumblr Stories That Will Leave You Shook
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
16 People Who Have Raised The Bar For Petty Revenge
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.