Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Randomize
