I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
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But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
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- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Just puked most of my soul out..
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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