i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is it penis luge time yet?
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize