last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
