I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Randomize
