i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Randomize
