Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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