I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
i wish my penis had a tongue
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Randomize
