I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
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