i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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