He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
