I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
