Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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