Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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