At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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