I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
