ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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