I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
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