I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Randomize
