blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
