If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
