Please, let me fuck your mom
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
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