wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
