Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
