so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
