I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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