i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
