You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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