If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
The struggles of a small town man whore
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Randomize
