How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
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You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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