I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Randomize
