my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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