Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
