A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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