The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
