Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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