Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
