I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
Bc you can definitely buy condoms if ur a 14 year old girl
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
