Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
