last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
