I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Randomize
