id be glad to
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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