Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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