Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
A+ Viking dick
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