Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
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