First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Randomize
