Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize
