You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
That was an excessively violent trivia night
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
