a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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