Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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