WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize