You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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