Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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