Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
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