M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
