Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
