32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Randomize
