We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
