Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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