Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
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